Hidden Within the Walls

There is something unusually hypnotic and mildly deceptive about the messaging that surrounds New Years Eve. Messaging that seems to promote a false sense of "hope" that somehow at midnight on December 31st, like magic, EVERYTHING will be different and better and fresh.  Perhaps one of the most irritating messages that showed on my Facebook feed last year was a video of Shaquille O'Neill, the basketball superstar, happily "hip bumping" things like anxiety, depression, worries and bills from his perimeter...and along the bottom of the video, big and bold obnoxious letters about "leaving these things behind in 2018". As if all of these problems go away with a hip bump and a stroke of midnight... Now, contrary to popular belief, I am not completely cynical and negative and I do genuinely look forward to the new year. Last year was a traumatically difficult year so the idea of flushing 2018 down the toilet was very appealing...and I was totally wi...

Dear Bio-Mom, I remember the first time that I met you. C2 was 18 months old. C1 and I had been friends for years but had only been dating for a few months. At the time, you and C1 were embattled in a tumultuous divorce (one that went on for 2 years too long). At that point, I had only received one side of the larger story but HIS side of the story is where I made my investment. I am not a fool, I know that both of you did things and said things that were not "becoming" of responsible or respectful human beings...but a few moments in time shouldn't define a lifetime...and I saw something in C1 that you didn't. The honest truth was, I really had no clue what I was doing. Up until that point, I had led a fairly naïve existence. I was stepping my size 8 1/2 foot into a situation that I was not equipped to handle. Marrying C1 meant that I also married his baggage and YOU were a huge part of that baggage and so was this tiny little human that shared both of your ...

The truth is that we are ALL susceptible to mental health issues. For some of us, it is part of our genetic make up, something we are born with and are constantly aware of. Our frame of reference may be that of a bi-polar parent and with that reference in mind, we move through our life cautiously, paying attention to every overly anxious or depressed moment trying not to be like " those who came before us ". For others, mental health issues may manifest themselves after traumatic events. It's our body's way of reminding us that the " past was real ", it's almost a "defense mechanism" or your brains way of building walls to protect you from ongoing trauma or helping to protect you from the past ever happening again... For some, it was NEVER part of their " original genetic design ", but maybe birth mom suffered from addictions to a despairing extent that we cannot understand, or she selfishly made conscious efforts to eliminat...

When we built our house, I was in love with the floor plan because it had a big open living area with a nice big kitchen. It was perfect for holding all of my kitchen crap and left plenty of room for me to acquire more.  The linen closet wasn't so fancy, which was fine...we just needed it to hold some towels and what extra sheets and blankets we had at that time which were mostly crib sheets and baby blankets.  The weird and interesting thing about having "extra space" as many of you may know or have experienced, is that if you don't fill the empty space with useful things, you will fill it with crap.  I "officially" have two junk drawers...and "unofficially" have another one that's supposed to be for potholders... So, if you are looking for toenail clippers, fishing line, yellow ribbon, clothespins, broken pens, old batteries, door stops, thumb tacks or bills I don't want to pay, you are sure to find it in one of the three dra...

So my calling in the LDS church is that of a "Young Women's Personal Progress Advisor". My responsibility is to teach these wide eyed, beautiful young women, Sunday after Sunday, all about the principles of the Gospel in such a manner that is real, and honest...in a way that they can understand and in a way that they can relate to. Truthfully, I feel completely inadequate to teach these girls but at the same time I really, really love it.  Today, we talked about "Charity, The Pure Love of Christ". We talked about ways that we could love others as our Heavenly Father does, ways that we could love someone in spite of their flaws and could show them love in the way that THEY need to receive it... We also talked about severed family relationships, when we have been so greatly wronged and our obligation to forgive them and seek ways to serve them. Throughout that entire lesson, I sputtered and literally felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world... ...

In 2011, after 7 years of being together, my husband and I decided that it was time to buy a house. At that point, we had literally lived in 9 different places (NINE in 7 YEARS) and really wanted some stability...I craved the stability. Plus, we were thinking of having our own children together and wanted to give them a safe place and a haven to come home to.  I remember C1 coming home one day, and saying that he and C2 had found the perfect neighborhood for us to build in, the houses were affordable, there was going to be an elementary school in the community, the builder incentives were great...it was everything that we wanted and it was time to settle into a home that was ours.  The Empty Lot In my mind (rational or not), I had convinced myself that building a new home, something that was ours, would allow us the opportunity to start fresh (fresh walls, fresh paint, fresh life). I could FINALLY put up those vinyl letters on the wall that said "Families are For...