Dear Bio-Mom,
I remember the first time that I met you. C2 was 18 months old. C1 and I had been friends for years but had only been dating for a few months. At the time, you and C1 were embattled in a tumultuous divorce (one that went on for 2 years too long).
At that point, I had only received one side of the larger story but HIS side of the story is where I made my investment. I am not a fool, I know that both of you did things and said things that were not "becoming" of responsible or respectful human beings...but a few moments in time shouldn't define a lifetime...and I saw something in C1 that you didn't.
The honest truth was, I really had no clue what I was doing. Up until that point, I had led a fairly naïve existence. I was stepping my size 8 1/2 foot into a situation that I was not equipped to handle. Marrying C1 meant that I also married his baggage and YOU were a huge part of that baggage and so was this tiny little human that shared both of your DNA.
C1 and I were in love...and I believed that we could conquer the world.
You were intimidating, you were rude and looked at me like I was a piece of trash. But I committed in that moment, that I would make you like me. You see, I was in this for the long haul and I knew that if I could get you to like me, co-parenting would make all of our lives much easier.
I did not, absolutely did not come into the relationship with the expectation that I would be anything more than a "modern day step-mother". Someone who would attend the soccer games, make pancakes on the weekends, allow you two (the biological parents) the ability to consult together and make decisions for and on behalf of the child, I would provide my support and maybe help plan birthday parties. I would serve as a "backup plan" someone who could run errands when needed or help kiss "boo-boos" when you weren't around.
I don't know where the lines started to blur...perhaps it was because you and C1 couldn't stand the sight of one another, perhaps it was because you two being in a 10 foot proximity of one another felt like we were all walking on nails...perhaps it's because I am a total control freak OR perhaps it's because it was evident you didn't know how to unconditionally love a child who reminded you so much of a man that you hated.
The lines blurred...
The weekend pancakes turned into weekday lunches and week day dinner visits, soccer games turned into us being the "soccer moms". We were co-parenting like champs, we were the Dynamic Trio! Teachers couldn't believe how WELL we all co-parented together, we showed up together, we coordinated, we were bad-ass! We planned birthday parties together, had each others back, texted each other to get feedback on the days events, discussed the best ways to parent and discipline and educate "our" son.
The path was clear...
I had a rock solid marriage with your ex-husband and you became my FRIEND, I started to care about you, I empathized with what I saw as your flaws. I learned more about you as a person. We went and got pedicures together, got our hair done together, texted stupid jokes to each other, cried over parenting challenges. You helped plan my baby shower... I didn't have many friends, but I counted you as one of them. I believed in my heart of hearts that you ALWAYS had C2's best interest in mind and that you were parenting in the best way you knew how. I wanted to SUPPORT YOU and I too thought you cared for me and wanted to support me in the same way.
The lines started to blur...
As time went on, the puzzle that we had so carefully laid began to fall apart. C1 and I were attending more and more events on our own. C1 and I took on more responsibilities for the day to day, doctors appointments, the back and forth transportation, summer care...hours upon hours on the phone looking for psychiatrists and therapists.
You accused me of "trying to steal your son"...
C2 was hitting me, spitting in my face, threatening to kill me in my sleep, wiping shit on the walls, ripping apart furniture, taking pills and cutting himself...the list goes on and on...and ALL I WANTED was for your friendship and support...and more than anything else, I wanted you to be a mother...I needed you to be his mother.
Did you know?
C1 and I hospitalized C2 10 times and you showed up twice... Every hospitalization required family therapy and it became more and more clear that you were a big part of the problem. Each time you showed up to family therapy, it ended in a disaster...one appointment resulted in you hanging up the phone on your son (whom you hadn't seen in months) and the other resulted in you leaving mid-conversation. Self reflection isn't your strongest suit...
On November 18, 2015, in a somber court room, with the same judge who granted your divorce from C1, I adopted C2...but that adoption was only possible because you willingly let him go.
What self reflection and therapy have taught me...
I now know that you too suffered within the walls of your own home...I know that parenting doesn't come with a handbook and you parented to the absolute best of your abilities...your lack of ability is not necessarily your fault. I know that the situation with C2 was grim and bleak and you had an OUT...it was me. When you were given the choice of either being there for your son, or letting him go...you let him go because it was easier AND I believe that you knew I was capable of caring for him. I am stable, I am grounded, have solid morals, and a loving family. I am committed.
I know, that had to have been hard...to sign those papers knowing that no more would you own the legal title of "mom"... I also knew that no matter what the papers said, In C2's mind, I would never ever replace you.
I have often wondered...
Do you hate me, do you think about me? Do you relish in the hurt and pain that C2 and your choices have caused our family? Do you understand that I now suffer with anxiety, depression and PTSD because my mind wasn't strong enough to pick up the pieces that you so graciously left behind...No matter how hard I tried, I never could put him back together. Your son, his disabilities, your choice to leave have literally broken my mind and still send waves of terror through our family...I feel broken.
More importantly...do you think about him? The child you helped raise and then let go? Does it hurt you to know that he isn't doing well, that he cannot function in a normal environment and that chances are he will end up on the streets or in Prison...and that as much as you were a part of the problem, you could have been a part of the solution?
It is with sincerity and a wish that you will have a happy life that I let you go, knowing that I will never get the answers to these questions. The truth is, I don't really need them.
I wish you all the best.
Love,
Michelle
I remember the first time that I met you. C2 was 18 months old. C1 and I had been friends for years but had only been dating for a few months. At the time, you and C1 were embattled in a tumultuous divorce (one that went on for 2 years too long).
At that point, I had only received one side of the larger story but HIS side of the story is where I made my investment. I am not a fool, I know that both of you did things and said things that were not "becoming" of responsible or respectful human beings...but a few moments in time shouldn't define a lifetime...and I saw something in C1 that you didn't.
The honest truth was, I really had no clue what I was doing. Up until that point, I had led a fairly naïve existence. I was stepping my size 8 1/2 foot into a situation that I was not equipped to handle. Marrying C1 meant that I also married his baggage and YOU were a huge part of that baggage and so was this tiny little human that shared both of your DNA.
C1 and I were in love...and I believed that we could conquer the world.
You were intimidating, you were rude and looked at me like I was a piece of trash. But I committed in that moment, that I would make you like me. You see, I was in this for the long haul and I knew that if I could get you to like me, co-parenting would make all of our lives much easier.
I did not, absolutely did not come into the relationship with the expectation that I would be anything more than a "modern day step-mother". Someone who would attend the soccer games, make pancakes on the weekends, allow you two (the biological parents) the ability to consult together and make decisions for and on behalf of the child, I would provide my support and maybe help plan birthday parties. I would serve as a "backup plan" someone who could run errands when needed or help kiss "boo-boos" when you weren't around.
I don't know where the lines started to blur...perhaps it was because you and C1 couldn't stand the sight of one another, perhaps it was because you two being in a 10 foot proximity of one another felt like we were all walking on nails...perhaps it's because I am a total control freak OR perhaps it's because it was evident you didn't know how to unconditionally love a child who reminded you so much of a man that you hated.
The lines blurred...
The weekend pancakes turned into weekday lunches and week day dinner visits, soccer games turned into us being the "soccer moms". We were co-parenting like champs, we were the Dynamic Trio! Teachers couldn't believe how WELL we all co-parented together, we showed up together, we coordinated, we were bad-ass! We planned birthday parties together, had each others back, texted each other to get feedback on the days events, discussed the best ways to parent and discipline and educate "our" son.
The path was clear...
I had a rock solid marriage with your ex-husband and you became my FRIEND, I started to care about you, I empathized with what I saw as your flaws. I learned more about you as a person. We went and got pedicures together, got our hair done together, texted stupid jokes to each other, cried over parenting challenges. You helped plan my baby shower... I didn't have many friends, but I counted you as one of them. I believed in my heart of hearts that you ALWAYS had C2's best interest in mind and that you were parenting in the best way you knew how. I wanted to SUPPORT YOU and I too thought you cared for me and wanted to support me in the same way.
The lines started to blur...
As time went on, the puzzle that we had so carefully laid began to fall apart. C1 and I were attending more and more events on our own. C1 and I took on more responsibilities for the day to day, doctors appointments, the back and forth transportation, summer care...hours upon hours on the phone looking for psychiatrists and therapists.
You accused me of "trying to steal your son"...
C2 was hitting me, spitting in my face, threatening to kill me in my sleep, wiping shit on the walls, ripping apart furniture, taking pills and cutting himself...the list goes on and on...and ALL I WANTED was for your friendship and support...and more than anything else, I wanted you to be a mother...I needed you to be his mother.
Did you know?
C1 and I hospitalized C2 10 times and you showed up twice... Every hospitalization required family therapy and it became more and more clear that you were a big part of the problem. Each time you showed up to family therapy, it ended in a disaster...one appointment resulted in you hanging up the phone on your son (whom you hadn't seen in months) and the other resulted in you leaving mid-conversation. Self reflection isn't your strongest suit...
On November 18, 2015, in a somber court room, with the same judge who granted your divorce from C1, I adopted C2...but that adoption was only possible because you willingly let him go.
What self reflection and therapy have taught me...
I now know that you too suffered within the walls of your own home...I know that parenting doesn't come with a handbook and you parented to the absolute best of your abilities...your lack of ability is not necessarily your fault. I know that the situation with C2 was grim and bleak and you had an OUT...it was me. When you were given the choice of either being there for your son, or letting him go...you let him go because it was easier AND I believe that you knew I was capable of caring for him. I am stable, I am grounded, have solid morals, and a loving family. I am committed.
I know, that had to have been hard...to sign those papers knowing that no more would you own the legal title of "mom"... I also knew that no matter what the papers said, In C2's mind, I would never ever replace you.
I have often wondered...
Do you hate me, do you think about me? Do you relish in the hurt and pain that C2 and your choices have caused our family? Do you understand that I now suffer with anxiety, depression and PTSD because my mind wasn't strong enough to pick up the pieces that you so graciously left behind...No matter how hard I tried, I never could put him back together. Your son, his disabilities, your choice to leave have literally broken my mind and still send waves of terror through our family...I feel broken.
More importantly...do you think about him? The child you helped raise and then let go? Does it hurt you to know that he isn't doing well, that he cannot function in a normal environment and that chances are he will end up on the streets or in Prison...and that as much as you were a part of the problem, you could have been a part of the solution?
It is with sincerity and a wish that you will have a happy life that I let you go, knowing that I will never get the answers to these questions. The truth is, I don't really need them.
I wish you all the best.
Love,
Michelle
My heart breaks for you, but I am in awe of your strength and resiliency.
ReplyDeleteMy Dear Chellie...I always called you that for some reason :) it’s just felt right! You’re truly a visual pillar of strength. Where you have often come off as a control freak or even anal...when I didn’t know any better as to more appropriate words to use, Ive always SEEN you. You’re blunt, straight to the point, down to earth yet kind and gentle and oh so loving. People have to know you TO KNOW YOU. And though I don’t know much more about you beyond the brief work space we shared I do vividly remember when I was going through my post partum matters you were a solid genuine friend and kind voice. You were one of the only people who attempted to rescue me from a very dark place. You have offered to take my baby just so I could breathe a little sometimes, even when you barely knew me. Your words, both in person and in your blogs are so heart felt and raw. I’m almost 1000% sure that’s why so many are drawn to you; even in those moments where you may think or feel just the opposite. A lot of people watch you from the shadows and may never utter a word, but are still touched by your ability to relate to the hidden feelings and thoughts of many of us. I’m so glad that you write, and you let it/get it all out. And in that same action, you allow us to know that we are not alone in our own struggles. You deserve at least that much; to not have to carry the weight internally all by yourself. It is my hope and my prayer that at the end of the day, your heart can be at peace with all of the hard work you put in for your family and even those of us who don’t know you as well as some of your lifelong friends, as I’m sure more often than not you are the last one to be acknowledged and you put others wayyyyy before yourself. Your strength is admirable and Ive quietly admired you from behind my keyboard...lol desk wise and social media wise. Don’t fret my friend. It may never get easier but the race is not given to those who can’t endure to the finish. It is simply a matter of hope and faith, which you have continuously displayed you are full of, even on days where you felt quite the opposite. May your heart and your life be blessed beyond anything that our minds could fathom. I pray this for you, specifically you, just for you. And may you find and have all that is due to you for such the graciousness that you have shown to so many.
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