There is something unusually hypnotic and mildly deceptive about the messaging that surrounds New Years Eve. Messaging that seems to promote a false sense of "hope" that somehow at midnight on December 31st, like magic, EVERYTHING will be different and better and fresh.
Perhaps one of the most irritating messages that showed on my Facebook feed last year was a video of Shaquille O'Neill, the basketball superstar, happily "hip bumping" things like anxiety, depression, worries and bills from his perimeter...and along the bottom of the video, big and bold obnoxious letters about "leaving these things behind in 2018". As if all of these problems go away with a hip bump and a stroke of midnight...
Now, contrary to popular belief, I am not completely cynical and negative and I do genuinely look forward to the new year. Last year was a traumatically difficult year so the idea of flushing 2018 down the toilet was very appealing...and I was totally willing to do the hip bump if it meant things would be better in the New Year.
I was laid off from my job which meant leaving a team that I absolutely loved. C1 took a job travelling that literally paid nothing for the majority of the year, I single parented life for 6 months with two small children under the age of 6...For the first time in 2 1/2 years, I made an emotional reconnection with my oldest son which somehow ended up blowing up right in my face, my relationship with C1 became more and more fragile...I came face to face with a gruesome depression that was debilitating and frightening.
It was because of these events and more that I foolishly found myself on December 31st sitting in my living room, watching the clock tick, counting down the minutes...because I just knew that if miracles still existed, then at 12:01am, my anxiety and depression along with my other woes and worries would be gone...
Thank goodness I wasn't holding my breath...
That following Sunday, during testimony meeting a beautiful woman in our ward, bore a beautiful and raw testimony that resonated so clearly with my heart. She talked about what a horrible mother she felt like every day; how she goes to bed at night feeling like she could have done better. She talked about her depression and how lonely she felt at times. She also talked about an unexpected opportunity to serve her neighbor after her neighbor's son had recently committed suicide and she wondered if she could have done more.
The clock struck midnight and nothing had changed except for a number. I still suffer from anxiety and depression, I still have issues with my oldest son...we still have financial woes and the daily challenges of life; but here is what I also have:
- A new voice (thank you therapy) and a desire to take care of "me";
- Knowledge that I can run a house and be an amazing mother while my husband is gone (that is liberating);
- I recognize when my depression and anxiety are out of control and I no longer feel afraid to ask for help;
- I spent some wonderful time off with my babies;
- I secured an amazing job after one month of looking;
- I have two of the most precious and special little boys that any mother could hope for;
So yes, 2019 is here and I still suffer from anxiety and depression, I still have to take medication every night or I feel crazy, I still have issues dealing with my oldest son. I still hold myself to an impossible standard of perfection...But, I am also growing as a human being and my perspective is changing.
If you take nothing else from this post, I hope that you remember to "allow yourself to be human", It is okay to put yourself first, it is okay to ask for help when you need it and it is okay not to be okay.
Love,
Michelle
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