The House

In 2011, after 7 years of being together, my husband and I decided that it was time to buy a house. At that point, we had literally lived in 9 different places (NINE in 7 YEARS) and really wanted some stability...I craved the stability. Plus, we were thinking of having our own children together and wanted to give them a safe place and a haven to come home to. 

I remember C1 coming home one day, and saying that he and C2 had found the perfect neighborhood for us to build in, the houses were affordable, there was going to be an elementary school in the community, the builder incentives were great...it was everything that we wanted and it was time to settle into a home that was ours. 

The Empty Lot

In my mind (rational or not), I had convinced myself that building a new home, something that was ours, would allow us the opportunity to start fresh (fresh walls, fresh paint, fresh life). I could FINALLY put up those vinyl letters on the wall that said "Families are Forever" and wouldn't have to rip them off when we moved. I believed that living in a new home would somehow unify our family, "revive" our spirits and absolve us of the "darkness" that was lingering right around the corner. That SOMEHOW, living in a new place, that was ours, would encourage our 9 year old child to "behave better", that it would demonstrate to him that we loved him and wanted to give him the best...I was CERTAIN that a new house, would solve so many of our challenges.

You see, I was naïve, a tiny bit stupid and possibly a little mental. Up until that point, I had lived a life believing that "bad things were happening to me" because somewhere along the way, I had "sinned", or I was "not faithful enough". Surely, I was NOT LISTENING to God like I was supposed to...Clearly, I wasn't learning the lessons I needed to learn or these TRIALS wouldn't keep happening.

In August 2012, 5 days after giving birth to our first Baby, we closed on our new home and two weeks later we moved in.

The House

It didn't take long for the newness of our home to wear off, for the new paint smell to go away...swiftly, the darkness crept into our home. On the outside, the house looked quaint, the yard was well cared for, the bushes were neatly trimmed...but if you got too close to the front door, you could hear the frustrated yells of two parents desperately trying to figure out how to parent their son, an angry son trying to process his feelings, a newborn baby crying like they do.... At times there were moments of great joy, moments of peace, but they were often stifled by the feelings of tension and desperation.

It was lonely inside of our house...almost as though our house set on an island all by itself...our house was isolating...there was no escape, no respite, no one who even remotely understood what we were going through, no resources, nothing...just us, trying to figure out what the hell we had done wrong and what we needed to do right in order to make it all go away.