Charity Suffereth Long...

So my calling in the LDS church is that of a "Young Women's Personal Progress Advisor". My responsibility is to teach these wide eyed, beautiful young women, Sunday after Sunday, all about the principles of the Gospel in such a manner that is real, and honest...in a way that they can understand and in a way that they can relate to. Truthfully, I feel completely inadequate to teach these girls but at the same time I really, really love it. 

Today, we talked about "Charity, The Pure Love of Christ". We talked about ways that we could love others as our Heavenly Father does, ways that we could love someone in spite of their flaws and could show them love in the way that THEY need to receive it...

We also talked about severed family relationships, when we have been so greatly wronged and our obligation to forgive them and seek ways to serve them.

Throughout that entire lesson, I sputtered and literally felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world...

You see, the fallout of raising a mentally ill child, an aggressive and violent mentally ill child, is this ongoing inner conflict of love for the child you helped raise, hatred for the choices they've made and disgust at the person they've become, feelings of inadequacy as a parent, feelings of responsibility at who they've turned out to be...why do they deserve more service than what I have already given them, why do they deserve my forgiveness...it's energy that can be better placed elsewhere...yet, at the end of this internal self-dialogue, I always circle back to sinking guilt for having all of these feelings. because WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND has these types of feelings towards a mentally ill child, let alone their very own mentally ill child.

I am absolutely not questioning the doctrine. I am not questioning the fact that at some point before I leave this earth, I need to reconcile these feelings, I need to extend forgiveness and mercy even if my child doesn't acknowledge it or even want it...AND, right now, as of this moment, I don't feel capable of doing so.

As a parent, of a mentally ill child, we often times completely neglect our own mental health. We neglect our physical health, our personal and marital relationships...our identity is consumed by WHO WE ARE and WHAT WE CAN DO as a parent of a mentally ill child. We are so busy worrying about their environment, their appointments, their feelings...every phone call makes us jump, because we know it's about them...and of course it's never good news. We can't get excited about family vacations, or family outings or the little joys of life because we are to busy thinking about all of the things that could and often times do, go wrong...our identity is no longer our own. 

Then after several years have passed you become frantically aware that you do in fact have other children who need and deserve the same level of attention...your memories of those children live in the pictures and videos that you took because your own memory is a fog...You desperately try to overcompensate, and navigate being the best parent possible, making up for all of the missed experiences....and do this all while managing your own anxiety, PTSD, major depression and panic attacks... Oh, and let's not forget marriage counseling because that relationship is hanging by a thread. 

I remind myself that resentment and bitterness do not align with the definition of charity...feelings of hatred are not Christlike...

I've come to accept that given the situation, these feelings are okay. Having these feelings does not diminish who I am as a person, certainly doesn't make me evil or any less of a mother...and while things in this moment, don't feel "okay" (and truthfully, they might never be)...I think that's okay too.